Confessions of a (Former?) Starfish

How to be a bit better at sex without actually having to move

Once upon a time I was a starfish. In my defense, I was young, inexperienced, and have a kink for lack of agency. I didn’t have the words to describe my sexuality when I first started having sex, but I did know that I wanted sex to be something that happened to me. I enjoyed myself the most if I could revel in the strength of the man on top of me and feel him thrusting into me without the tiniest modicum of control. At the time I didn’t make a lot of noise (embarrassing!) or wiggle/struggle (in fear that he might actually stop). I also didn’t come from partnered sex, and if anyone tried to make me come I would do some combination of protest, distraction, or running away. So while I might be having a transcendent sexual experience, the men I was sleeping with were treated to a mostly silent, nearly unmoving girl who wasn’t really giving any indication of sexual pleasure beyond vaginal wetness.

Men will still fuck a starfish, but they may make occasional grumbles or begin to ask probing questions about what you like or try to shift you on top (the horror!). Serious partners were able to decode my reactions better, especially because I became more vocal during sex with people I trusted. To be clear, I don’t mean that I said what I wanted outright, just that I moaned more. Eventually, though, I became interested in becoming better at sex. Sure, people would have sex with me regardless, but I appreciated the men who were giving me good sexual experiences and I wanted to return the favor. I wasn’t going to suddenly become sexually assertive or even accept girl-on-top, but I did discover a few starfish-friendly techniques to show my partner that I was enjoying myself.

These are not intended to transform anyone from a real life sex doll into an eager slut. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to experience sex as an object! However, after watching many, many people have power-dynamic infused sex at Red Means No and related orgies, I have noticed that men love sexual responsiveness. Responsiveness doesn’t have to mean eagerness (although people do love an eager slut). Both the women who scream and fight aggressively and the women who moan through orgasm after orgasm are popular. At the risk of overgeneralizing, men love a stimulus: response pattern.

I first thought about this dynamic through the lens of spanking. There are a lot of aspects of spanking I enjoy: the endorphins, the intimate emotional dynamic between pain giver and pain receiver, and the way it makes me wet. But there is also a part of me that enjoys spanking as a challenge. How much pain can I take? Can I breathe through the pain without even making a sound? Can I transform my perception of the sensation from pain to intensity or pleasure? I am very capable of getting through the first five or ten minutes of an average spanking session without moaning, grimacing, or flinching (I can go much longer if the spanker is being cautious or holding back). I have, on many occasions, done just that, only to realize that I am giving the person spanking me very little to work with. I do not believe in faking responsiveness - I never fake orgasms or moan just for show. However, simply not trying to repress my noises and reactions creates a better experience for my partner, which in turn creates a better experience for me.

My suggestion for other starfish is to explore what responses feel natural as expressions of the sensations or emotions you experience during sex. Once again, I do not recommend faking pleasure. If you want to try a new response, try it during a moment you especially like, so that you don’t confuse your partner with inaccurate training data.

Sexual responses for starfish:

• Grip, stroke, or scratch your partner’s arms, chest, or back.

• Lick your partner’s chest or nuzzle into his chest hair (or breasts or whatever your partner has going on in the chest region).

• Wiggle a little. This doesn’t have to be full-fledged resistance, but when I do it it often results in being held a little tighter, to my delight.

• Allow noises to come through. Moaning is popular but not required. Pandora sounds a little bit like a dolphin in the cutest way possible.

• Allow words to come through. They don’t have to be full sentences. They don’t have to make sense. I say my partner’s name or a term of endearment frequently. I also say things like “I like that!”, “I love you”, “No!”, “Thank you!”, and “I’m sorry”.

• Lick, kiss or bite whatever is close to your mouth. If there’s anything that can be sucked around (finger, dick, etc) you might want to try sucking it.

• If your partner is on top (and they probably are), pull them in closer using your legs.

• Rub your clit on whatever is handy (a leg, a hip, fingers).

• Hold eye contact. Can be especially effective during blowjobs, facefucking, the moment of first penetration, vaginal, or orgasm.

• Allow yourself to cry if you have a particularly intense experience or just feel tears coming.

• Laugh. Sometimes things go awry or something is funny, and being able to laugh about it with your partner can be intimate and fun.

• Make facial expressions. Responsiveness is about making your partner aware of your internal state, and facial expressions are an excellent way to achieve this. Gaze beseechingly, glare reproachfully, look blissed out, smile, frown. Whatever is appropriate for the context and mood.

You will likely find that some of these actions feel natural and others feel awful. This is my list, assembled through trial and error. You may find new and exciting ways to be responsive without actually moving! Or perhaps you will decide that you prefer to be a sleepy starfish and all of this “action” business is drying you up. I think it is worth the energy to experiment. I continue to identify as a starfish. However, being a cute little wriggly starfish rather than a starfish that does nothing but cling to a rock has improved my sex life.

Many of us are more likely to come during sex if we use a vibrator, but it can feel very unsexy for starfish to ask for a toy in the midst of sex. Consider having a pre-sex discussion about how you like to come, including types of toys you like and how you use them. I like to clench a magic wand between my thighs during facefucking, so my partners tend to put the wand there without me asking (and sometimes despite my protests).

Share your experiences or starfish ideas in the comments or our private Discord. I’m excited to learn from you!