The questions in this post were sourced from Chesed’s admonymous or our joint email. If you have a question for either or both sluts, please email askthesluts@gmail.com.
Question: As someone with a penis, I am very aroused by face fucking, but find myself struggling with discussing or proposing it with/to partners because while I like the idea, to me it seems there are power dynamics, like breath control and some sadism maybe even that come with it that I am not comfortable engaging in with my partner. Reading your blogs, you dont seem to have these connotations much. Could you describe more about how you got into face fucking and what role it has in your sexuality?
Chesed: Gladly, sir/madam/gentlethey! Please read my post How I learned to stop worrying and love cock in my mouth for the backstory. When I started getting into facefucking with my husband, it was mostly because the position worked well for me to simultaneously use the magic wand to orgasm. I do also enjoy the power dynamic evoked by facefucking, but the specific theme is different with different partners. Not all of my partners facefuck me in a way that involves breath control or sadism (although some of them do, and I love that!) Facefucking is inherently vulnerable, but vulnerability can be played for romance and tenderness as well as for dominance.
Some tips on creating a tender facefucking scene:
Start with her lying down on the bed. You’ll want her to be farther down on the bed than for vaginal sex because otherwise your face will run into the headboard (several of my partners do a cute romantic thing where they drag me down the bed by my feet for this). Put a few pillows behind her head. Slowly and carefully introduce your cock into her mouth. Watch her face closely for any sign of discomfort. Stop and check in. Adjust positions and approach (more or fewer cushions, different angle of insertion, different depth) until you find one that is comfortable for her. Be sure to give her a signal (like a triple tap) if she wants you to stop or change something.
Make eye contact
Use a vibrator for your partner, or arrange yourself so you can go down on her simultaneously.
Talk to her. You could tell her how beautiful she looks with your cock in her mouth, how good she feels, and any variation of your normal dirty talk. There’s something particularly hot about dirty talk when you can’t respond!
She may need a break part way through for hydration. One of my partners does a very cute thing where he tilts my head up and carefully tips water directly into my mouth. This is tender and sweet!
After you finish, be sure to provide a nice beverage and clean up any saliva or semen with a wet wipe or washcloth. Bonus points if you dampen the washcloth with warm water!
Pandora:
Here’s an alternative position to consider for facefucking. Lie on your side and have her lie on her side next to you but low enough that she can take your dick in her mouth. You can try lying diagonally on the bed to allow enough space for both bodies. This position allows her additional ability to pull away if she is overwhelmed. You can hold her head to guide her as well as thrusting. Also, I’m curious about why you aren’t comfortable with engaging with breath control and sadism with your partner. Of course there are incredibly valid reasons for such a preference (such as your partner’s boundaries or your own boundaries), but if there is additional communication that could open up these directions or if there’s some blocker that could be overcome, it may be worth exploring that further.
Question: hi! so I’m a polyamorous bi man and I’ve been running soft queer afternoon parties with lots of babes of both sexes. They are delicious and delightful and everyone has had a really nice time, eating cake and drinking a little prosecco and generally just collapsing into large and gentle cuddle puddles, with the energy of the room gradually lowering over time.
My question is: how would you raise the temperature a little?
I don’t necessarily want or need a full-on orgy, but I’d like people to feel energized and sexual and aroused, and then empowered to actually act on that. I want people to feel comfortable, so I’m not about to tell anyone what they should be doing, and the last time I engaged in play with someone the rest just watched and stroked each others hair (cute, lovely, but… disappointing). Suggestions for helping groups of people get over that 'hesitation hump’?
Pandora: Yeah so Aella gave a whole Hereticon talk about the lack of sex happening at most orgies and how her parties have overcome that. However, “CNC orgy” is probably not the answer you were looking for. One thing I would recommend is individual conversations with each participant to gather feedback on what they want out of these events. You could ask about fantasies, about which other attendees they find the most attractive, and if there are any blockers to them wanting more. You could have a theme like “Fantasy Garden” where participants are encouraged to share a fantasy and others are encouraged to indicate if that’s something they are also interested in making happen. You could also try to seed the party by having set up certain group sex scenarios outside of the party, such that some attendees are coming in with pre-existing connections and comfort. If you have one particularly comfortable or slutty attendee, you could ask them to be blindfolded during a chunk of the party and available for free use groping or more, depending on their comfort levels.
Chesed: Fundamentally we may be the wrong people to ask. The sex parties we attend have default consent rules specifically designed to reduce the need for in-person communication and increase sexual activity, but going from soft queer afternoon tea party to consensual non-consent orgy might be a bigger change than you’re looking for. With that said, every time I’ve had a sweet cuddle puddle turn into group sex, the first step was boobs coming out. So maybe the next time you’re cuddling, find a cutie with boobs and take her shirt off? (Of course you should be sure that this cutie is ok with having her boobs exposed and groped. Probably ask first? Possibly sign a contract? Compose a poem proposing the scene? I have no idea how the world of explicit consent works but presumably you do).
Question: Is the Bay Area slut cloud entirely or mostly cishet?
Chesed: In reality, the Bay Area has many slut clouds. I am aware of slut clouds that are entirely trans or queer. The slut cloud I personally inhabit, which we can call the Extended Aella Universe, is less so. I don’t know the specifics of the gender identity and sexual orientation of everyone in the EAU Slut Cloud, so this is my imprecise estimate:
~5-10% nonbinary or trans
~95% of cis men are straight
~80% of cis women are bi or bicurious
Pandora: Men in my local slutcloud are likely to be cishet, women are likely to be at least a little bi. One out of four of my current boyfriends is bisexual. I think the EAU slutcloud selects pretty strongly for people who are openminded, so some of the straight dudes are a bit heteroflexible (ie. willing to experiment with men or be comfortable with touching other men in group scenes). And there certainly isn’t stigma against people who are not cishet, there’s just a pretty hetero dynamic created by the predator and prey roles that are used at Red Means No events. People do self-select into roles, and tend to self-select according to predictable gender roles. However, the few exceptions where ladies have taken the predator role or a guy has taken the prey role have been particularly memorable for all involved.
As Chesed mentioned, there are lots of other overlapping slut clouds with entirely different compositions and different organizing principles. As far as I know, the EAU is the only slut cloud organized around non-consent kinks.
Question: Hello I would like to learn more about these women who attend both synagogues and orgies and how I can more efficiently find them than just “iterate over the set of all synagogues and orgies in your area, hope you have good visual memory” please and thank you
Chesed: I think your suggested approach is reasonable, I would just add a few bounds so you’re iterating over smaller sets. I wouldn’t go more conservative than Conservative/Masorti (e.g., Renewal, Reconstructionist, Reform, Conservative). The one ModOx girl who also attends orgies is probably really cool but I think you’re much more likely to find your slutty beshert at say, Urban Adamah. So step 1, attend services, casual Shabbat dinners, and orgies and make new friends and acquaintances. Step 2, host an epic Purim house party and invite your new buddies (and me!) See what happens!
Question: My partner and I have been thinking about having a threesome. However, I have some doubts. He confessed to me that he wasn’t interested in me at first because I’m not the type of girl he’s attracted to. However, since I was very interested in him, he decided to “give me a chance,” and after getting to know my personality, he started to like me. He likes women with big butts and preferably blondes. I’m the opposite. I’m afraid that if we have a threesome, he’ll start comparing me to the other woman he’s having sex with, and I’ll end up feeling worse about myself. I think that to reduce this insecurity, we could try with a woman similar to me, but even then, I believe he wouldn’t be with the woman he truly desires; we would hire an escort. However, I believe that in a relationship, it’s not all about physical appearance, because eventually, we all age. How do I deal with that? With the fact that I’m not the physical type my partner would ideally want to be with? That he loves my personality, but my physical appearance isn’t his favorite? I feel a bit superficial writing this and like a teenager, even though I’m 30 years old…
Pandora: Given that you know that he prefers blondes with big butts, you actually already know that he has physical preferences that don’t match your physical characteristics, and I don’t think actually having the threesome would change this. The better question is who are you attracted to? If you aren’t attracted to and excited about the idea of group sex with a particular lady, I don’t see why you would do it. Having a threesome merely to please your partner is a classic pitfall that is a recipe for disaster.
Of course, it is possible to be aroused by a scenario and still face insecurities, in which case it makes a lot of sense to work on these.
In terms of working through insecurities, I think there are both solo and partnered things you can work on. You can ask for a written list of reassurances from your partner, where he lists physical and non physical things he likes about you. I personally think it’s a major win to know for sure that your partner loves you for who you are as a person. When I have matched my partners’ physical ideal, that can induce the other end of the insecurity spectrum (does he ONLY like me for my looks?). Whether or not you decide to indulge your partner’s appreciation for blondes with big butts, you aren’t going to change his preference. You can only control your own security about it, and being secure enough to help him explore can be very attractive. When it comes to insecurity, it can help to keep asking why until you get to the root cause of the feeling, and then go back and examine the evidence. Perhaps you are actually worried that he will leave you for the blonde girl, which seems like a belief there’s little real evidence for if you are in a stable long term relationship.
But I confess I am confused about why it seems like a FMF or MFF threesome is the only option under consideration. Call me a feminist or whatever, but I just wouldn’t be that interested in a guy who only wants to explore threesomes with another woman. Maybe your insecurity would be less of an issue if your entrance to threesome land involved being with another man? How does your partner feel about the MFM option? There are other men who prefer women who look like you, so why not find one of those? It's far easier to set up MFM threesomes than FMF! And if your partner can’t overcome his own insecurities there, he might not be worth your efforts to overcome your own.
Chesed: Girl this sounds like the lead up to the WORST THREESOME EVER. I have unfortunately been a part of a few FMF threesomes where the girlfriend in the couple felt insecure or not 100% on board. It is so awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. If you were going to do a threesome, hiring an escort seems like a good call, but I would honestly recommend just not doing a threesome. My crazy theory about sex is that you should be aroused by it. If you’re thinking about setting up a special erotic scenario, it should be one that you actually want to do. Maybe comb through some erotica and find an idea that turns you on. Pirates? Kidnapping? Union organizer and Pinkerton? Sensory deprivation? Mafia?
Separately, it might be helpful to work through your insecurity. Generally speaking, I think if a man is having sex with you and investing time, attention, and resources into your relationship, it’s a pretty good signal that he is in fact attracted to you. With that said, I like to date men who are very very clearly into me and communicate their attraction and affection explicitly and often. From the outside, it’s hard to tell what is causing your ongoing insecurity. Is your man not giving you adequate attention and affection? Or are you obsessing over one comment he made in the beginning of the relationship which is completely detached from his current behavior? It’s worth thinking about and talking through with a trusted friend who knows your partner. Life is too short to date men who don’t adore you, but sometimes our anxiety blinds us to very clear signs of adoration.
Got questions? Please email askthesluts@gmail.com. Thanks!
"He likes women with big butts and preferably blondes. I’m the opposite."
I mean...you could be blonde. That is a choice!
For the looks preference question:
If you asked my pre marriage friends, they would choose 80% opposite of my wife. Most of my other partners are more aligned with this preferences but I still love and adore her.
Hell, watching her struggle squat into a pair of jeans is amazing.
That being said, I am her only person she has ever dated (and married of course) who was white.
We love and adore (as well as get angry at/disappointed in) one another.
You can have amazing relationships with people who don’t fit a preconceived mold.