The Way of the Virtuous Manslut

Part 1 of a two-part series

Question: Do you guys have any advice for us mansluts? In particular: any thoughts on (a) the way of the virtuous manslut and (b) how to better carve out our archetype in collective consciousness?

I ask because I am watching with joy but also some envy as girl-slut-ism gains increasing mainstream approval. As a manslut, I struggle to convey how the manslut way-of-being is fundamentally different from being a player or fuckboi. IMHO the virtuous manslut explores sexual partners in the way a tango dancer explores dance partners: with graciousness and the pursuit of sincere connection. Sex partners are not just people who help you cum or notches on your belt, but fellow participants in the Dionysian mysteries...or some shit like that, know what I mean? Personally, I stay in touch with lovers for years, and most become close friends.

However, it usually takes months of someone watching how I conduct myself as a manslut for them to accept that it is indeed possible to be a manslut who isn't a fuckboi. The default is distrust, which makes sense because of how men have traditionally done things, but this makes me sad.

I feel that if more men know that Virtuous Manslut was an available role in society, then there would be fewer broken hearts due to sex partners being confused by our behavior AND due to there being some more of a code of honor, etc., around how to manslut in a gentlemanly way.

Thoughts?????

Answer:

Thank you for writing, Mr. Manslut! Pandora and Chesed both have enjoyed the company of several Virtuous Mansluts over time. At best, time with a manslut can be enchanting, relaxing, and sensual, very much like enjoying a dance with an expert partner. It’s a joy to connect for a song, and natural to thank each other and part ways when it ends. At worst, a manslut may, whether intentionally or unintentionally, use his charisma and charm to entice his partners to break boundaries they have made to protect themselves, leading to heartbreak and disillusionment.

To start the conversation on mansluts, we think it’s important to clearly dispel the negative connotations you may have when it comes to slutty men. This post isn’t about players or fuckbois, but we’d like to start by defining those so that we can both make the case for the need for a positive archetype, and understand the pitfalls that must be avoided.

What is a fuckboi/player?

A post from Twitter where user @generationmss made a list post titled “If my goal was to GET LAID using little to no money whatsoever here’s what I would do:”

In it he essentially describes how to be a fuckboi, in excruciating detail. With gems like this:

8. Be a simp 10% of the time. U want to make her feel like if she fvcked u that night. There is a slight chance things could go further. We call this “selling her a dream”

A fuckboi uses women for sex but is breadcrumbing them with relationship hints. This leads to situationships, heartbreak, and slow erosion of trust in slutty men. He knows he isn’t interested in a relationship, but is too cowardly to communicate that clearly and proactively, preferring to let the women he’s sleeping with learn the hard way how to spot and avoid his ilk. Why would someone lie about their intentions or be intentionally vague or misleading? It’s probably rooted in a cowardly fear of intimacy, and perhaps a fear that what he actually has to offer won’t be enticing enough for the women to stay.

So what’s a man to do if he does wanna have lots of sex but doesn't wanna be a lying asshole?

That’s where the Virtuous Manslut archetype comes in. He’s not here to lie to you, breadcrumb you, and manipulate you. He’s just here to make you cum so hard that you wanna brag to all your friends and add him to your girl slut roster.

Without further ado, here are some observations we’ve made about the path of the Virtuous Manslut:

• He loves to create beautiful experiences and share them with others - good food, good art, good conversation, and of course good sex.

• He is a clear communicator — it’s clear what he wants, what he offers, and what he does not. He does not make false promises.

• He also aspires to avoid implicit promises or misunderstandings, by being willing to proactively communicate. He does not fret that this may drive the woman away, because he doesn’t have a scarcity mindset around sex.

• He has a good mental map of the risks sex presents and is good at risk management. He understands the physical, mental, and emotional risks related to sex, and understands how women bear more of those risks. Therefore, he takes an active role in initiating conversations about the risks of sex (STIs, pregnancy, triggering trauma, social stigma, unequal attachment etc) and helps guide both parties to an agreement on policies that fall within each person’s risk tolerance.

• He is honest about his relevant testing history and risky exposures. If he ever does receive positive results for an STI, he proactively communicates this with his partners to enable them to seek care.

• He appreciates women for many qualities and has good relationships with women who he doesn’t have sex with.

• His past and current partners speak well of him.

• Women enthusiastically recommend him to each other.

• He is thoughtful about his choice in partners, understanding that promiscuous women may be a less risky choice than virgins.

• He celebrates rather than shames lady sluts.

• He shows care and genuine interest in his partners before and after sex.

By embodying the virtuous manslut and spreading sexual joy, you can do your part to carve out the archetype in our collective consciousness.

Some of our friends, haters, and sexual partners may raise the objection that we are being sexist, either because we apply higher standards to man sluts than lady sluts or because we use derogatory terms for man sluts like “fuckboi” and “player” but do not call women “used up whores.” We understand the concern — there is a type of girlboss lady slut discourse that celebrates lady sluts manipulating men, using men for emotional support or financial gain (outside of well-defined sex work), and otherwise behaving poorly. We think this is bad too. We have limited experience dating women and invite our more experienced friends to write about healthy and unhealthy archetypes of lady sluttery. We think that derogatory terms for man sluts have a more positive valence than derogatory terms for lady sluts. If you continue to feel angry about this, we invite you to call us derogatory terms (in bed).

Part 2: