Notes from a Good Male Slut

Part 2 of a two-part series

Chesed, Pandora, and the male slut

This is a guest post by a male friend who has had sex with Pandora, Chesed, and all of our friends.

So, you would ideally like to fuck all the sluts, but also you don’t want to be an asshole. Here’s my solution to the problem of 1) getting a steady supply of excellent sluts to fuck, and 2) being pretty damn ethical about it. Being ethical about it can help with getting more sluts—women like trustworthy guys, and the slut recommendation network is strong. Also, fucking more sluts can help with being more ethical about it—it’s easier to be honest when you have an abundance mindset.

Consent

With consent, I don’t necessarily mean that you have to ask permission for everything. Explicit consent norms serve a minority of women. I mean that for every moment of your interaction, the woman should in her head feel like “fuck yes I want this to happen” or at least “yeah I feel pretty good about this”. And she should feel that way in a deeply reflectively endorsed way, not just in the moment. And importantly, this includes emotional aspects, not just physical touch. A friend suggested removing the word “non-monogamous” from my dating profile because many women will be more interested in me if they think there’s a chance of a monogamous relationship. I kept it in. With the above broader understanding of consent, removing it would be a consent violation.

I find it so much hotter to connect deeply with a woman if she’s consistently excited about what’s happening and would do it again on reflection. I want her to come back for more after I fucked her brains out because she is in full internal alignment that getting her brains fucked out even more is good for her. I don’t want her to come away feeling like she was being used to my advantage, unless that itself is really hot to her and reflectively endorsed. It’s kinda gross to use someone else to your advantage, especially when there’s the excellent alternative of being honest and getting your name promoted as trustworthy in poly slut whisper networks.

Here are some ways I try to do consent well:

• Regularly try to gauge whether she’s having a good time.

• Notice when I’m confused about her reaction. You should always know why you’re getting the reaction you’re getting.

• Give her space to express her desires and needs. Make myself small, so she feels more comfortable expressing what she wants, especially if she’s not very assertive.

• If I’m confused about whether she’s having a good time, check in lightly, e.g. “oh is this not your vibe right now? we could do X instead?” or “are you having a good time? I find you hard to read right now”

• Regularly check if my horniness is eroding away any of my virtues. If I catch myself doing that, take a few minutes to reflect on ways to become more reliably virtuous.

• Don’t lie by omission. E.g., I proactively make sure women I’m dating are aware that I have a girlfriend and regularly hook up with many of my friends, because if I don’t say it, they’ll assume that’s not the case because it’s rare and unusual. Or if you’re falling in love with someone new, proactively inform all of your existing partners about it, especially if it might affect your connection with them.

Positive masculinity

Don’t use dishonest manipulation to seduce women. It’s stupid and weak and pathetic. It’s like you’re saying to yourself “I am not good enough to have sex with hot women, therefore I need to sneakily get them to do it anyway.” Fuck that. It’s bad for them, and it’s bad for your own confidence. It feels so much better if they come back craving the True You, because the True You is what you were showing them all along.

Subvert masculinity norms. Being masculine doesn’t mean to always be cool or strong or in charge. To me, it also means being confident and strong enough to be able to let go. Are you confident enough to cry in a woman’s arms about a thing that makes you feel really weak or vulnerable? Are you confident enough to build real emotional intimacy, to share your deepest fears and worries? Are you confident enough to submit to a woman in bed, to let her give you a spanking, to let her fuck your little asshole with a strap-on? Are you confident enough to comfortably and casually be a little bit gay, express your attraction to a man? I’m not saying you have to do these things if they’re not enjoyable for you, but don’t let your male ego stop you from doing them. If you think that your male ego might be stopping you, working on these with a good therapist might do wonders.

Most women love it if you lean into your masculine traits. If you feel dominant, be dominant in a way she enjoys. Or powerful, or aggressive. But master consent first, learn to keep your aggressive energy in check, like a competent soldier who strikes the enemy but is very careful to spare the civilian. I do love the aspect of masculine energy that’s strong, protective, caring. Imagine you’re somewhere left out in the wilderness and there’s a newborn baby. Can you do what it takes to ensure the baby survives, thrives?

Navigating jealousy, meeting your emotional needs

If your sluts are really good sluts, they probably sleep with other guys, and you might feel jealous. I tend to not get very jealous, so I’m not sure my perspective will be helpful, but here’s my recipe for navigating jealousy.

Usually the jealousy is tracking something that’s actually important, like I worry the other guy isn’t honest with her or with me, or he doesn’t like me, or she’s hiding something from me, or I have some uncertainty in my connection with my slut. The first step is to notice what it is. Jealousy is not really a fundamental emotion; most of the time it’s a tangle of thoughts or interpretations paired with anger or anxiety, and those feelings are in turn masking fear (future loss) or sadness (past loss). Your job is to untangle this mess and get to the bottom of it. If you struggle with this, it may help with starting by asking yourself where you feel it in your body (e.g. tension in your shoulders).

The second step is to seek reassurance, but without imposing externalities. E.g. asking for clarification on aspects of my relationship with the slut. Where does she see this going? If you’re doing it right, most of the time, your reassurance-seeking questions will be related to your connection with your slut, not your slut’s connection with the other guy. If it’s the latter, that’s a sign that you haven’t successfully completed step 1. Examples of externalities include accusations, requiring your partner to put a lot of time into the conversation, or insisting on inconvenient times for discussions. Other strategies that are helpful include things like getting to know my metamours and potentially befriending them, talking to my friends about it, etc. I once fucked a friend’s gf and was worried that he’d be jealous and low-key angry at me, and instead he sent me a cheerful voice memo. That was fucking cool and I think it made him look more attractive.

Be selective (aka don’t stick your dick in crazy)

Learn to smell drama from afar, and learn to stay away. Smelling it involves training your sense of personality correlations and red flags to watch out for. If a girl is really seductive, that’s exciting, but unfortunately it correlates with BPD / HPD, which means you’re in for a lot of pain.

Learning to stay away is hard, and the best way to learn this is probably to fuck up real hard and go through lots and lots of pain until you’ve learnt your lesson. No, I’m definitely not speaking from experience. Yes, I definitely could’ve learned my lesson more quickly. I hope you will.

Here’s a simple test question: How would she react if she went out for dinner with her friends, and the table right next to hers happened to be the table I reserved with a new date? (Assume no expectation of being exclusive has been built up.) Would she laugh about it? Would she, to the best of her emotional abilities, try to be supportive of the date? Would she become distraught, angry, dramatic?

This question is trying to get at 1) her willingness to be supportive of your ethical lady-killer lifestyle (not just as lip service, but actual behavior), 2) her emotional regulation skills. These seem like the most important factors for choosing the sluts to surround yourself with.

I’ve started a new habit of celebrating it as a win if I turn down someone who seems like they will bring trouble into my life: I brag to my close friends about it and I make a special entry in my list of people I’ve had sex with, which is basically giving myself the achievement “could’ve probably slept with this person, but chose not to, which is even more awesome.”

Every other day, I run into women who I’ve had sex with. At most parties I go to, there are multiple women attending who are dating me or have dated me in the past, and they know about each other. This might sound crazy to many, but the really crazy part is that there isn’t any drama because it’s all good consensual fun, based on transparently sharing relevant information, and the relevant women all pass my above test question. There’s also no awkwardness; these situations are only awkward if you make them so.

Hahaha, just kidding, actually I had a huge amount of drama in my life. But that all happened because I chose to ignore the obvious red flags and dated someone who wouldn’t have passed the above filter. I hope you will learn more quickly than me. If you’ve learnt it, I salute you.

Questions?

If you made it this far, I’d love to hear from the male readers if there’s anything else you’d like to read about. What was obvious, what was surprising, what was missing? Let me know in the comments or fill in this form and I might write another blog post.