The Eight Commandments of Group Sex

Chesed's perspective on threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes

Note: As per usual, this post is written without reference to hard data and based almost entirely on my experiences as a slutty lady with pretty specific sexual tastes. I am not going to cover topics that I don’t have experience with, so if you are trying to plan a vanilla orgy with 16 gay men, you may want to look elsewhere for advice.

Group sex has become a fairly normal part of my sex life. So far in 2025, I’ve had group sex (ranging from a threesome to an orgy) 9 times. All of the group sex was enjoyable, and none of it created drama or damaged relationships. I acknowledge that my friends and I are sexual outliers (read: sluts). However, I believe that having good group sex is also a skill which can be developed, much like 1:1 sex.

My first ever attempted threesome was less than successful. I was in college and swiping on Tinder when I saw a familiar face. One of my male friends and his girlfriend were looking for a third. I wasn’t especially physically attracted to him, but I thought he was smart and we enjoyed a certain amount of playful debate. More importantly, his girlfriend was stunning. I swiped right. We matched and started chatting. They invited me over to his apartment on a Friday night. I walked over after enjoying Shabbat dinner at the Chabad house, slipping off the layer I’d used to make my outfit appropriate for an Orthodox environment. It was a cute vibe, at first. She had cookies in the oven and was already a bit high and silly. I joined her on the couch and he gave me an edible.

The night progressed in a strange pattern. He would leave the room for 5-15 minutes at a time. When he came back, he would give me a look or whisper in my ear to cuddle his girlfriend. I didn’t really understand the subterfuge. Didn’t she know we were planning a threesome? This continued for several hours. The two of us girls were high and cuddly and giggly, but I didn’t feel any sexual energy from her. While I wasn’t incredibly sexually experienced with women, I felt like I had a decent understanding of the signals we give when we want someone to kiss us, and she was not giving me those signals! I didn’t kiss her or escalate the cuddling, much to her boyfriend’s chagrin. Finally he proposed that we move to the bedroom. His girlfriend looked confused, asking “Wait, I thought tonight was just about getting to know Chesed better?”

He brought us to the bedroom and encouraged us to make out. We kissed once or twice, awkwardly. We fell into a stoned snuggle. He started talking to her in an intimate voice, talking about how pretty I was, reminding her of the threesome fantasies they had discussed. She left the room. He made out with me for a few minutes, touching my breasts and my clit while I laid back in a semi-horny, semi-uncomfortable, and deeply high state. Eventually he left the room in search of his girlfriend. In the end, the three of us cuddled to sleep in his bed, his hands just occasionally grazing both of our bodies. We never talked about it again.

The Commandments

The First Commandment: If you can’t communicate well with 1 partner, you won’t communicate well with N+1 partners

Most threesomes should not be a surprise (at least outside of the Slut Cloud). If you and your partner are comfortable with group sex and she loves surprises, maybe you can spring a surprise threesome on her. If this is your first threesome and she doesn’t know the other person, you should have very clear communication about what you each expect from the evening. Is it just talking? Are you all comfortable with cuddling? What about kissing and groping? If you have sex, are there specific things you do or do not want to do with another partner?

I once had a threesome with a couple I was dating. Mid sex, the woman asked her partner not to come inside me (for context, he was wearing a condom). This is a totally reasonable request that happened at a pretty unreasonable time. The couples in a group sex scenario should discuss boundaries before they invite another person into their dynamic. Especially during a threesome (vs foursome or moresome), the extra person you have invited can easily feel awkward, out of place, and uncomfortable if the couple is having conflict or bringing up new boundaries during sex.

The Second Commandment: Make space for pleasure

Group sex really benefits from having enough space for all partners to comfortably move around in a few different configurations. I once tried to have a foursome on a twin mattress on the floor. Although everyone involved was fairly thin, fairly flexible, and highly willing to be close to each other, we quickly gave up on the concept of having four people on the bed. We settled into two people fucking on a bed with two others cuddling on the floor next to the bed and offering verbal encouragement.

Group sex (especially beyond a threesome) often benefits from a space larger than a bedroom. Ideally, it can be hosted by whoever has the largest private space. I live in a group house with four other people, and our emerging norm is to use the upstairs living room or downstairs rumpus room for group sex (beyond a threesome). We give a heads up on our house chat so that those who aren’t in the mood for group sex can easily avoid it, and not feel too shocked when they encounter random naked women in the bathroom.

Below I have listed my experience with workable bed configurations by group size. Note that this is based on my personal experience and may not be accurate for larger people. Be creative! Not everyone in the Bay Area has access to an orgy mansion. I suggest using the largest private room you have for group sex, even if that is the open concept kitchen/living room/dining room. You can drape windows, move furniture, and use foldable mattresses or yoga equipment to make a comfortable space. If you have chill friends with a large group house, consider asking if you can use their space for an evening or afternoon.

Threesome: At least a queen-sized bed is ideal. Full/double is workable but cramped even with small people. A king-sized bed feels spacious.

Foursome: A king-sized bed is ideal. You can certainly fit all four people on a queen, but it limits configurations. With a queen-sized bed, it’s especially useful to have space around the bed to enable partially on/partially off positions.

Five or more: In my house, we have a king-sized foldable mattress we affectionately call “the fuck pad.” The fuck pad is positioned next to the couch in our living room, and it is perfect for lounging and other group activities. A king-sized bed might work for 5-6 small people but could feel a bit cramped.

If you go beyond 6 people, you may need more surfaces, depending on the configuration. We had 10 people at my fertility celebration/gangbang in August, including me, two fluffers (my co-wives), and seven people there to bang me. We used one full-sized foldable mattress pad because people were mostly fucking me one or two at a time. Others lounged on couches or chairs nearby. I also recently attended a small orgy of about 10 people. For the same number of people, we needed many more fuckable surfaces. We used a couch, one easy chair, and enough mattress pads to cover a living room floor.

In addition to having enough soft places to fuck, you’ll want to pay some attention to vibes and other logistics. I address making spaces more sexually attractive for women in detail elsewhere.

Here are some basic tips:

• Vibes

  • Light - ensure you have a way to illuminate the room enough that people can find the condoms, but avoid killing the mood with bright white light. Red light is great, but a dimmer switch will also work. In a pinch, you can turn all the main lights off, bring in a lamp, and cover as necessary with a light weave scarf until you get the right ambiance. Fake candles are nice for a small amount of light and a large amount of ambiance

• Supplies

  • If you are hosting the group sex, make sure you have condoms, lubricants, and any favorite toys handy. They don’t need to be centered on the coffee table, especially if you’re not quite sure where the night will lead. Neither should they be somewhere hard to reach under your bed.

  • It’s helpful to have a small lined trash can close by for condoms. If you don’t, just be sure to check for condoms and other trash when you’re done. Even the chillest of roommates do not want to step on a used condom on their way to enjoying morning coffee on the couch.

The Third Commandment: Know your dynamic

I am not the biggest fan of the MFF threesome even though, as a lazy bisexual woman, I am ostensibly the target audience. For me, they suffer from a lack of male leadership. I personally like for sex to have clear power dynamics. In my experience, many MFFs end up having a pretty vanilla vibe even if all people involved are into kink. It can be hard for one man to effectively top two women at the same time. The physical problem isn’t difficult - any man who has watched “lesbian” porn or has a bit of creativity can direct women in how to interact with each other. But for really good sex, he needs to manage two women’s emotions and headspace. This is a task that even experienced dominant men struggle with (ask me how I know). Men can also get distracted by the lovely view of two women cuddling, kissing, and generally exploring each other. They may think “oh, they’re getting along fine! I don’t need to intervene, I’ll just watch and direct one to suck my dick.” They are wrong.

My favorite MFF threesome was one in which both other participants (a couple) co-topped me. If I want to have sex with another subby lady (like Pandora), my preferred set-up is a foursome, so that there is plenty of male leadership to go around. Update: I had an excellent MFF threesome with Pandora and one of her boyfriends just before publishing this post.

The factors that made it work despite the dilution of male leadership:

• Dynamic/vibe: The guy involved maintained a lighthearted but dominant dynamic throughout. At no point did he appear hypnotized by two ladies kissing. He directed action, made sure we were both engaged, and peppered in plenty of dirty talk. Pandora and I were also both slightly more active than we would be in 1:1 sex with a guy and made our own vibe contributions.

• Experience and comfort levels: All three of us are very comfortable with each other. Pandora and her boyfriend obviously have an ongoing intimate relationship. I have had sex with her boyfriend on many occasions, both 1:1 and in party settings. Pandora and I have been in group sex together many times. We have all done plenty of threesomes. We all have a pretty good model of each other’s sexuality, including what turns us on and how we come. While threesomes always involve a certain amount of weird physical maneuvering, I was surprised by how graceful and natural it felt.

• Genuine lady attraction: One of the most awkward dynamics in an MFF can be if one or both women isn’t attracted to women, or isn’t comfortable acting on the attraction. Pandora and I are attracted to each other and also have a lot of affection for each other.

I also like MMFs, which my spare husband refers to as “the thinking man’s threesome.” An MMF creates a nice, low-pressure environment for a threesome. If one guy isn’t hard yet, the other can take the lead. If one guy comes quickly, the other can sub in. Everyone can participate at the same time if desired, even if the lady doesn’t do anal. The men can collaborate on dirty talk, holding toys, and bondage. If the guys are bi or bicurious, they can interact, but if not, there’s plenty of lady to go around. An MMF allows you to overwhelm and blow a lady’s mind on easy mode.

My preferences are somewhat specific, and all of this might not apply to you. You may have sex with women who are fine with some degree of sexual agency. Regardless, it is worth thinking about the sexual dynamic beforehand.

Some questions to consider:

• Who in this group is attracted to each other? Are there any members who aren’t sexually attracted to each other (for example, two straight men in a foursome)?

• What are the kinks of each person involved? How obligate kinky are they? What power dynamics (if any) do they enjoy? Can we make those happen in the context of group sex?

• How do the people involved like to orgasm?

• What pairings work or don’t work? Which people have experience having sex together, and which are first time or newer pairings?

I want to be clear that I’m not proposing a planning committee before group sex. In an experienced group, these reflections can take place in people’s heads as they are unhooking a bra. If you are planning something elaborate, with new people, or you aren’t very experienced in group sex, it might be worth sitting down and thinking these questions through more thoroughly.

The Fourth Commandment: Orgies are for fun, not for orgasms

Both 1:1 and group sex benefit from a focus on pleasure rather than a relentless pursuit of orgasm. However, many people find it much harder to orgasm in a group context than 1:1. It is also pretty common for penises to struggle to get or stay hard in a group context. Most men are taking erectile dysfunction medication (tadalafil or sildenafil) for orgies, gangbangs, and other group sex scenarios (Please note that this medication requires a prescription and may not be suitable for everyone. Talk to your doctor about whether penis drugs are right for you).

Penis problems might seem surprising if you haven’t experienced group sex - it’s like porn right before your eyes, why wouldn’t you be hard? The issue is partially performance anxiety (as you have a larger audience than normal) and partially more inconsistent stimuli. If you have sex with one girl then typically you can spend a lot of time with your dick in or on that girl. If you and your 3 buddies are having sex with one girl, then your dick is going to have some alone time. This is also the reason I strongly suggest fluffer(s) for a gangbang that includes more than 4-5 guys.

Difficulty orgasming in a group context isn’t limited to men, though - I rarely orgasm in group settings, and when I do it’s usually because I take a moment after the action has died down to focus. Not having orgasms during group sex is only a problem if you make it a problem. Having group sex can be hot, immensely pleasurable, reality-bending, emotionally bonding, and often very, very silly. Allow yourself to feel all the things, including laughter at awkward angles. Enjoy cuddles and pillow talk with your new crew.

The Fifth Commandment: Unicorns are people too

There is a lot of discourse in poly communities about unicorn hunting. This refers to a couple (usually straight cis man and straight/bicurious/bisexual cis lady) looking for a cute bisexual lady, AKA their unicorn, to join them for a threesome or ongoing triad. People get mad about unicorn hunting for all sorts of reasons, some of which are too messy to get into here (try the links if you want to wade into the controversy).

Instead, I’ll share a few pieces of etiquette for happy unicorn hunting:

• Do:

  • Have an in-depth discussion with your partner about your interests and boundaries. Extensive dirty talk about a threesome fantasy doesn’t count. This should occur with clothes on and well before you get any potential unicorn in the room.

  • Be clear with prospective unicorns about what you are looking for. Short-term fun or a long-term triad? Emotional intimacy, friendship, or just sex?

  • Consider what you have to offer a prospective unicorn. Are you both very fit? If you’re using an app, be sure you have pictures that reflect that. Are you experienced in Shibari, tantra, or some other sexual practice she might enjoy? Are you able to take her out to nice dinners, cool parties, or other events? One of my friends dates a couple who treats her to fancy dinners, opera and symphony dates, and boudoir photography. Slutty bisexual women are in high demand, especially if they are also sane and attractive.

  • Hunt in the right places. Use apps, events, and communities targeted at sexual exploration, couples, and bisexual women, rather than at the LGBTQ community. For example, Feeld is a more appropriate app to use than Her. A swinging event is more appropriate than a Pride event.

  • Treat your unicorn as an honored guest, not as a sex toy. She will have her own sexual desires, boundaries, emotional needs, and beverage preferences. Understand what she is looking for and how you can make the experience a treat for her. If you are looking for sex without much emotional intimacy, be sure there is someone else in her life who is available to meet her emotional needs. A married or partnered woman is your best bet for a “just sex” encounter.

  • Discuss sexual risk (testing, barriers, pregnancy prevention) beforehand. Do not assume you’re all on the same page just because you are all smart/educated/professional/rationalists or whatever. People's risk tolerance and norms for disclosure vary pretty substantially and you don’t want to find yourself staring at a woman’s vulva thinking “Ingrown hair or herpes? Did I even ask her about herpes?”

• Do not:

  • Use the woman in the couple as bait, i.e., the woman in the couple messages women on apps/approaches women in public and then at the last minute introduces a surprise boyfriend/husband.

  • Attempt to hit on/reach out to lesbians or any women who have indicated their primary interest is in dating women.

  • Woo a single lady looking for serious partnership (unless you are seriously interested in a triad or other emotional commitment to her).

  • Hunt for a unicorn in the midst of a relationship crisis or attempt to use a threesome to cure a dead bedroom or other marital malady.

  • Compare the bodies or sexual skills of the two women in the threesome.

  • Introduce discussion of serious kink for the first time mid-threesome. For example, I was once in a threesome in which the guy started hitting and punching his girlfriend. I was surprised and somewhat alarmed. After the scene she explained that she was really into being punched and he explained that he had training in martial arts that allowed him to do it safely (and to be clear, she did not appear injured). This all would have probably been fine with me if she had given me a heads-up before the threesome. Instead, I had five minutes quietly sitting there thinking “Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into? Should I run out the door? Should I get help? Is this a safe sex thing? Is he going to hurt her?”

  • Expect the unicorn to seamlessly slip into your relationship, obey your rules and guidelines, have sex in the way you want, provide emotional support/babysitting/housework but never request anything herself.

Some couples who are interested in a threesome but want to avoid emotional complications will hire an escort. Aella has advice about this.

The Sixth Commandment: Don’t ghost your orgy buddies

Aftercare isn’t just for sex that leaves physical marks. Some of us have post-coital emotions that require tending in the form of cuddling, debriefing, sparkling beverages, or a 3am snack. Others might be perfectly happy to go straight from coming inside a new person to climbing inside their Uber. In general, it is good manners to stick around for at least a brief chat and cuddle after sex. Ensure that everyone who might need more tender care has someone to provide it.

Social dynamics may or may not shift significantly in the wake of group sex. A single sixsome rarely signifies that you’re now in a committed polycule. Having sex with someone in a group scene doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in an ongoing sexual relationship or that you can now casually grope them at the next Shabbat dinner or rationalist reading group. Some sort of follow-up is nice, whether it’s a sweet check-in text or a group breakfast the next morning.

The Seventh Commandment: Sometimes the orgy gods say no

Not every group sex attempt will succeed. Maybe someone is feeling gassy, someone else is grieving another month without pregnancy, the vibe is off, or the bed situation is giving “human Tetris” rather than “slutstack.” If things aren’t clicking, don’t force it. You can always pivot to cuddles, silly conversation, or just calling it a night.

Also, pay attention to your partners—if someone looks hesitant, awkward, or like they’re trapped in an existential crisis, check in. A simple “Hey, are you still feeling this?” can save the night from becoming a decidedly unsexy memory. Group sex should be fun—if it’s not, hit pause and reassess.

The Eighth Commandment: Every woman gets her own vibrator

Pandora and I have preached extensively on the importance of the Magic Wand for female pleasure. Know your audience - if one of your ladies comes from vaginal penetration or prefers a different vibrator, that’s fine. However, if both girls need vibrators to come, then make sure you have two vibrators, even if they like the same one. Why? Nice sluts like Pandora and I are good at sharing, but concern about hogging the vibrator can act as a brake for the complex automobile that is the female orgasm. Imagine trying to come while worrying that your sweet otter would be sexually deprived if you took too long. If you only have one vibrator, it is acceptable to ask other group sex participants to bring more.

More generally, try to protect women from thinking or worrying during sex. Thinking about anything is a brake for my orgasm, and I don’t think I’m alone. As our one true whorelord writes, “When I look back on sexual experiences I consider great, they all have the commonality of me sort of becoming the sex…I've lost the plot, I don't remember what the plot was, I'm just sexcreature emitting a constant stream of noises.” As my husband might say mid-sex, “It looks like you’re thinking. Good girls don’t think.”

Go forth and have sex with your friends…or don’t

I hope you’ll find the eight commandments helpful as you navigate the world of group sex. Just like 1:1 sex, there are some crucial concepts like communication, consent, and aftercare that I haven’t explored in-depth here. If you don’t feel comfortable with these concepts in 1:1 sex, I suggest building those skills before diving into group sex (theoretically you could have group sex as part of a sexual mentorship relationship, but I don’t have personal experience with that dynamic).

Not everyone likes group sex! I know multiple people in the Slut Cloud who do not like group sex, or who only like a few specific dynamics. Gangbangs and large orgies with many men around seem much more popular with women than with men. I like group sex, but most of my best sexual experiences have been 1:1. While group sex can be a beautiful way to build intimacy with your friends or explore new dynamics, it isn’t necessary. You don’t have to have sex with your friends. It might be fun though!

Other group sex commandments to add? Any heretical questions, concerns, additions, or disagreements? Share your ideas in the comments or become a paid subscriber and join the conversation on Discord.