Dating is supposed to be fun

Part two of our series on Avoiding the Ick on First Dates

Content warning: Wildly generalizes based on the sluts’ personal preferences and experiences. Gendered and likely problematic. Mostly based in guess culture. Advice may not apply to autistic women. Also, swearing and sex and stuff.

Please go read Part 1 of our series: Ask her out (but not in an elevator) for tips on asking women out, setting up the date, and getting ready.

Ask her out (but not in an elevator)

The First Date!

We have three main goals for your date, and one proclamation:

1) Have a good time

2) Show some curiosity

3) If the vibe is right, touch her!

4) Pay for the date

Have a good time

Hopefully you’ve chosen an activity which you like. The next step is to enjoy yourself. You don’t need to (and shouldn’t) be carefully tailoring your every move and word for your date’s approval. This is kind of joyless and also unattractive (largely because it feels low status). A date is a time that you have carved out of your life for pleasure. Even if you never see this person again, how can you make the most of this time? Order the cocktail or food you like. If you’re on a walk, take a moment to follow a little out-of-the-way path or climb a tree. Try to get out of your head and into your body and then notice what feels good. Try to be playful, or at least respond to her invitations to be playful.

Show curiosity

Our one true whorelord recently wrote about going on dates with men who don’t ask questions. Do men ask questions on dates? In our experience, sometimes. We suspect Aella suffers from incurious men more than average because she has a giant cloak of microcelebrity which confuses and distracts men. We’ve noticed men around Aella auditioning for her attention or otherwise trying to prove that they are worthy rather than engaging with her as a fellow conscious mammal. They assume they already know her, and that the task is not to learn about her or connect with her but rather to peacock about with offers to fix her data or share their philosophical insights.

This is not a guide for how to date Aella, but we think it’s relevant to think about how men act towards women they put on a pedestal. We want you to (metaphorically) lift the woman off of the pedestal and put her next to you. Or maybe on the floor, if it’s Chesed. We don’t want you to knock her off the pedestal by negging, although it is worth noting that negging works in part because it doesn’t pedestalize women.

We suggest trying to figure her out. Imagine yourself as a criminal profiler and her as a prolific but sneaky serial killer. What motivates her? What excites her? What scares her? How does she relate to family? To religion? To her job? What does she fantasize about, both sexually and non-sexually? To be clear, we are not suggesting that you ask her the above questions verbatim. Remember, you are a profiler and she is a serial killer. You want to ask questions that help you get towards understanding the questions I’ve posed above. Try to be alert to little flags of an interesting story or questions that invite follow up.

“Wait!” you cry. “I’m not actually a criminal profiler, and as far as I know this lady hasn’t even done a single murder. Why are you suggesting I creepily pry into her emotions and drives?” Because, dear reader, it is a female fantasy. (Most people of all genders want to Be Known, but in our observation women specifically relate to Being Known in a more verbal way than most men.) If you read romance novels (audience = women), the male love interest is hot, strong, insanely attracted to her, has the resources to take care of her (often a secret billionaire because, uh, why not), and deeply understands her in a way no one else does. You probably aren’t a billionaire and you may or may not be super hot, but you can be strong (at least stronger than her), insanely attracted to her, and deeply understand her in a way no one else does.

We don’t want to provide a laundry list of Slut Approved questions, because we think it’s likely to make you less genuine and more interview-y. Our guidance is to try to model her thoroughly and to avoid getting into competitive spots. What we mean by the latter is to avoid turning the date into a job interview or a bro-y discussion where you each are flexing how much you know about a given topic. Especially if she works in a field with a lot of men, she may get into a defensive and competitive mode, taking your questions as challenges rather than as curiosity. Our advice is to focus on feels more than facts (ask her about how she feels about her job vs. her favorite programming language) unless she is going on an enthusiastic nerd spiral about a topic. If she nerd spirals, enjoy and perhaps join in!

If the vibe is right, touch her!

One common but unpleasant script for first dates consists of a few chaste, touchless hours that end in a goodnight kiss. Why does this happen? There’s a cultural narrative (TV shows, movies, stories) of first dates ending with a kiss. At the same time, many men do not seem comfortable touching women. Before you yell at us — yes, we have also experienced unwanted groping. We are not talking about bad men, who are in our experience already pretty comfortable touching women whether they like it or not. We are talking to you, dear sweet readers, men who want to touch women but are also concerned about women’s comfort and consent. The problem with this sequence is that it is uncomfortable. The gap between no touch and a kiss is wide, and the leap it requires to get there can feel unnatural. Chesed has hidden her face in many a chest (ok, belly), turning an attempted kiss into a hug because it feels scary to go from zero touch to touching lips.

The solution? Slowly escalate physical touch over the date, giving her the opportunity to pull away or lean in. This will help you both attune to your attraction (or lack of attraction) towards each other. It also makes you seem more confident, which is attractive. The pick-up artists call this technique “kino.” One of my friends calls this approach “break the law but don’t get caught.” I think this comes naturally to a lot of normie men with sexual experience. If you have a few touches of ‘tism or are less sexually experienced, this is one dating skill that is very much worth building.

Try to start with behavior that you would do with a friend or relative. Don’t force actions if they don’t feel natural. If you feel creepy and awkward to yourself, you will seem creepy and awkward to her too. Initial light touch should feel integrated in your conversation. Avoid staring at your hand as you touch her. Look at her, or at whatever you’re both looking at, while staying aware of her body language.

Paying attention to her body language is crucial! If and only if she seems comfortable with a given level of physical contact, then you can try to get to a more intimate level of physical contact, “breaking the law.” You want to be paying such close attention to her nonverbal cues that you avoid a situation where she has to verbally reject you, “getting caught.” If she gives any subtle nonverbal cues that she is uncomfortable or not enjoying herself, retreat back to the last level of physical contact she was enjoying. Assess whether she is still enjoying that stage, and spend more time there before escalating again.

To be clear, the goal is NOT to trick her or push past her boundaries. Many women have responsive desire, so slow escalation of physical contact helps them build desire for you. Your attunement to her nonverbal cues also makes you seem confident and safe.

Remember, you don’t have to escalate. Your goals should be driven by your desire. Your actions should be driven by your desire in conversation with hers. It should go without saying that if she tells you she is not enjoying herself, whether verbally or not, you should stop. If she touches you, allow your body language to show your reaction too. Relax into touch you enjoy or tell her it feels good.

The other solution here is ongoing, enthusiastic, verbal affirmative consent for every physical interaction. We don’t find this approach very sexy, but it may be appropriate for people with people who don’t enjoy or feel comfortable with nonverbal communication.

A few opportunities for physical touch:

• You can potentially greet her with a hug if she seems open to it.

• If at all possible, find an opportunity to sit next to her instead of across from her. Shift your seat at a bar so you are facing her instead of the bar. If you are on a walk, find a bench or a promising bit of grass to sit on. If you are in a park and she starts to stretch out, you can offer your arm or chest as a pillow.

• Notice her hands. Take a hand to admire her rings or nails. Comment on her digit ratio or find a scar. If it feels natural, touch what you’re talking about.

• If you normally are expressive with your hands while talking, allow yourself to touch her arms or shoulders.

• Perform non-invasive grooming behaviors, like getting some schmutz out of her hair or wiping a bit of ice cream off of her lip. Do not perform invasive grooming (picking her nose, picking things out of her teeth, popping pimples).

• Put your hand on her back while walking together, especially if you’re helping her get through a crowded place. Note that this should probably be a light touch and not too low on her back unless you already have a well-established relationship, because your hand on her low back (or neck) implies a degree of possession that is a bit extra on a first date. Unless it’s Chesed.

By the way, women do this too. Have you ever had a woman challenge you to an arm wrestling contest, ask to compare hand sizes, palpate your veins, or ask to feel your calluses?

Pay for the date

We suggest that men generally pay for first dates. There are some unusual circumstances where this might not be right — for example, if she (investment banker) invites him (starving artist) to a fancy restaurant for the first date. Certainly if you ask her out, you should pay. But if she asks you out, it’s probably still best to pay unless she explicitly signals that she wants to treat you. Is this fair? We’re not going to get into that. Men paying for first dates is a little mating ritual that we think is cute and mostly harmless. Most women find resource provision attractive. You don’t have to pay for the date, but paying for the date is like a free attraction point. Why turn it down?

Remember that by taking the lead on planning the date you also have control of how much you spend. A coffee date or park picnic are both great options for treating her on a tight budget. If you’re worried that a girl is going out with you for a free meal or drink, you can either 1) not go out with her or 2) go out with her and feel good about providing for a pretty lady. Don’t invite women on dates that you wouldn’t be comfortable and happy about paying for.

Payment can still be an awkward moment. Some women may offer or insist on paying. Some women may look at the bill, look at you, look at you, look at the bill, begin to reach in their purse, avoid eye contact — by the way, this is her not wanting to pay. Try to avoid a situation where you annoy a service worker because you continue to bicker about the bill.

A tiny bit of forethought makes you look very smooth, and gives the lady you’re with the beautiful sensation of being cared for. One of the most charming men we know suggests the following approach for a counter service establishment (e.g., coffee shop, casual food, bar). Have a conversation while you’re waiting. Get to the counter first. Order, turn to her and ask her what she wants, and pay while continuing the earlier conversation. We don’t really know what his approach is for seated meals, but he has smoothly paid for all of them without us having the opportunity to think about it. Thank you!

Going home

The moment at the end of a date can be awkward, even if you’ve followed our advice above and touched her before you attempt a good night kiss.

If you would like her to go home with you, you need to invite her. The key to the invite is to genuinely be open to hearing her yes or her no.

I want to be clear — you don’t have to want her to come over. You don’t have to want to have sex with her. Get in touch with your actual desire. Is your tummy grumbly? Do you want to let more tension build before you physically escalate? Are you attracted to her? Will you be less attracted to her if you fuck her? (If you answered yes to the last one, please stay away from the Slut Cloud.)

You do not need to be sexually explicit in your invitation, and it is best not to be (except possibly with autistic or inexperienced people. We are neither.) You can say something like “I’m thinking about heading home, would you like to come with me?” It is of course possible that she will want to spend more time with you at your place and not want to have sex with you.

Whether the date ends where it started or at your place, it is kind and gentlemanly to ensure she arrives safely at home. Offer to walk her to her car or bike or bus stop. If she didn’t drive, you could call her an Uber. This isn’t at all expected or a requirement, but it is a very sweet and caring gesture.

Follow-up

We are fans of clear and rapid communication. You can text her the very same night or the next morning. You could wait a few days either because you’re genuinely busy or you want to signal that you’re busy, but if you like her then you’re also risking a connection. Chesed interprets a man not texting her within 24 hours after a date as him saying “I’m not that into you or don’t have capacity to give you the attention you want and you should probably fill up your social calendar with other men.”

We would recommend sending a positive text as soon as it feels right to you, but ideally within 24 hours. Note that if you send a text like “Had a great time last night!” that is positive but doesn’t clearly express a wish to see her again. Depending on the lady, she may feel like the ball is still in your court.

If you don’t think you want to see her again, we think it is valid to either send a text to that effect or simply not reach out to schedule another date. If you’ve been on a few dates we suggest texting, but a first date carries no expectation for another. If you don’t want to see her again but she reaches out, it is more polite to reply to her text and decline rather than to leave her on read. You don’t have to come up with an elaborate excuse or in-depth explanation for why you don’t like her.

Men with theories about dating

• Nicholas Grant, the only dating coach we have met who we would fuck

• Man Down Podcast (especially episode 5 and 10)

• Jacob Falkovich

Last thoughts

The search for a life partner can be a miserable slog. Nevertheless, we wish you playfulness and joy in your dating adventures. We hope you find, cherish, and cultivate love, whether it comes through dating or any other avenue.

Also remember — Aella now has a bounty out for her marriage. If you think you would be a good candidate for Aella’s husband, let us know. We will do some initial screening and introduce you if you seem like a good fit. (We will not split the bounty with you because if you want to take $50K from The Sluts we think you are unlikely to be a good fit).

Do you have any pet theories about first dates? Disagree with all of our takes? Do you know other (sexy) dating coaches or male podcasters? Share your thoughts in the comments below or our Discord.