25 ways to enjoy trying to conceive
A love letter to my husband
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about a year. Many things about that process have been difficult. Throughout the process, I’ve been able to rely on my husband for emotional support and a hard dick. He has held me through many nights of convulsive sobbing. He has fucked me many times past midnight, after we’ve both worked long days at fairly physical jobs. He gently suggested I restart medication (fluoxetine) after I began noticing intrusive thoughts of suicide during my luteal phase. He has made the prospect of mandatory timed sex month after month an intimate group project rather than a chore. I am incredibly grateful to him.
I don’t really have advice on trying to conceive. I haven’t successfully gotten pregnant. Also, I’ve coped very poorly. I was sobbing and decrying my barren womb as soon as I didn’t get pregnant on the first attempt.
Having procreative sex for the first time in my life has been interesting, and I’ve been doing it quite a lot, so I wanted to share some thoughts and snippets:
Beg your husband to come inside you. Alternatively, beg your husband not to come inside you. Compare experiences.
Talk to your husband about cervical mucus (at length).
Have procreative sex in the middle of an orgy while your friends watch and cheer. Spend the rest of the orgy resting on your back with your legs straight up in the air to let it marinate.
Have sex while mutually exhausted.
“Wouldn’t it be wild if we actually made a baby? Like tonight? In this bed? Doing something we’ve already done thousands of times?”
Orgasm 2 or 3 times while your husband facefucks you before you beg for his cock inside you.
Initiate sex consistently for the first time in your life through subtle hints such as saying “I want to have sex tonight” or texting “roughly i want to have sex 5/24, 5/26, 5/28, possibly 5/29.”
Have extremely dirty sex, come a bunch, wonder if this will influence the baby's personality.
Break your deeply ingrained habit of peeing after sex in favor of 20 minutes of resting supine (often with legs up) and then going to sleep.
Relatedly, regularly get out of bed in the morning and feel something warm trickle down your thighs. Try to scurry to the bathroom without dripping semen on the floor.
Don a lacy nightgown, squirt “fertility friendly” lubricant inside your vagina (it comes with an applicator!), then text husband “please tuck me in” and put a sleep mask on.
Get incredibly anxious about whether you will orgasm during a bout of procreative sex. Wonder if orgasm increases the chance of conception from cervical upsuck. Have you ever actually read through the literature? More anxious. Come anyway (thanks husband).
Straddle your husband and bounce on his lower abdomen chanting “Baby! Baby! Baby!” as a pre-sex ritual.
“If we actually can make a baby just having sex it would be so cool.”
Watch your husband climb into bed exhausted. Suggest that he masturbate into a cup and you can just baste the semen in yourself. “That won’t be necessary,” he says.
Have procreative sex in an Airbnb on the first night of a weekend trip with friends. Try to be quiet. Realize everyone already knows you’re having procreative sex.
Act slightly bitchy all day. Belatedly realize it is because your husband did not have procreative sex with you until bedtime, which you consider procrastination. Does he or does he not love you? Cry. Be soothed by husband. Fight with husband. Cry. Be soothed by husband. Several hours later, have procreative sex with husband.
Become incredibly horny the day before you ovulate and demand that husband take you on date (and then fuck you).
Become incredibly horny on ovulation day when husband is working. Rescued by Scary Man (boyfriend), who says some degrading things, comes on your face, and then sends you home to your husband. Have to wait over 10 minutes for husband to get home, during which time you scare the Spicy Wife’s boyfriend with your effusive sexual energy. When husband finally gets home, have intense and gleeful and beautiful procreative sex.
After sex, ask husband “Is it all inside? Is any of it sneaking out of my vagina? Can you push it in more? Can you shove it closer to my cervix?”
Ask your boyfriend(s) to send you home from dates in time for procreative sex.
Become the person most likely to volunteer to leave work early (unpaid) when overstaffed. Realize that your coworkers are increasingly aware of your cycle.
Look into your husband’s eyes during particularly excellent sex and think “I hope the baby is conceived during this sex rather than our sleepier sex the night before.”
Invent new, increasingly strange dirty talk.
“Do you want to have sex because you want to have sex or for fertility reasons?” “Both!”
The baby we made when we were worried it wouldn’t happen is definitely more serious than the one we made while just having fun.
The grass is always greener. I've been jealous of all the fun you've been having with the slutcloud which likely would not have been possible had you not been struggling with this... it sounds really tough.