Content warning: Consensual non-consent, kidnapping fantasy, groupchats
My kidnapping was incredibly hot, in part because I felt real shock, helplessness, and fear. I didn’t know that I was going to be kidnapped on the day it happened. I didn’t know exactly who was involved, where I was or what would happen. However, I did feel safe —and was safe — throughout. The fear was the good fear of a horror movie or rollercoaster, not the terror of a life-threatening situation.
Girl Meets Duffel Bag
Note: The following is a true story including graphic description of kidnapping and consensual non-consent (rape play).
I want to be very clear that kidnapping fantasy — especially in the form of a takedown scene and transportation to a second location — is a fairly high risk sexual role-play. I do not recommend enacting kidnapping fantasies with new partners, casual friends, or strangers, even if they say they really really want to be fake kidnapped.
There were several factors integral to my kidnapping fantasy being a success:
In-depth knowledge of the kidnapping victim’s psychology and sexuality
Community safety and consent norms
Caring relationships
My kidnappers graciously allowed me to share redacted excerpts from their planning group chat, which helps to illustrate the care and thought they put into my surprise field trip.
Understanding the kidnapping victim
The partner who took the lead on organizing my kidnapping is incredibly thoughtful and detail-oriented. We talked about kidnapping as a potential fantasy many months before he even began planning the Chesed-heist. Over several dates, he asked me a variety of questions which helped him plan an ideal kidnapping for me:
What is hot about kidnapping? What would not be hot, or would be distracting/scary?
In your kidnapping fantasy, is there one or multiple kidnappers? Would you want to know the kidnappers?
What circumstances would you/would you not like to be kidnapped? (e.g., on a date, coming home from work, at home)
How would you feel about being blindfolded, gagged, or tied up?
Would you want to know ahead of time that you were going to be kidnapped on a given day or would you want a surprise?
He also has an actual (digital) file with notes on my preferences about everything from sex to kombucha flavors. He could confidently inform collaborators about what I like and don’t like and even point them to my own documentation on the subject. He directly asked me about a few things to clarify points he wasn’t sure of. Shortly after Mystery Man spit in my mouth, I thought “Oh, this is why [partner] asked me how I felt about spitting last week!”
We weren’t relying only on his knowledge of my preferences and limits — we had safe words and safe gestures (see next section). However, it would have been much less immersive and less fun for both me and the perpetrators if I had needed to wield my safe word frequently. My partner’s understanding of me even extended to my menstrual cycle. I avoid vaginal intercourse with anyone except my husband during potentially fertile times of the month, so he scheduled the heist during my period. He also knew what kinds of threats I find sexy and which leave me cold.
My kidnapping planning committee also included my husband. He has known me for 16 years, had sex with me for 12 years, and been romantically involved with me for 7. My husband’s involvement meant that the kidnappers could raise any questions or concerns with the person who knows me best in the world. The kidnapping was originally planned for December, but my husband was aware of my (broken) emotional state and wisely postponed the plan.
My husband also knew himself and myself well enough to decide that he shouldn’t be a part of the initial takedown scene in order to avoid detracting from the scariness. It is hard to get into a terrified headspace in the presence of a man who provides me with ice cream and nice beverages, tucks me in every night, and promises to protect me from all harm. Although not impossible, especially if he threatens me with anal.
Community safety and consent norms
All but one of the kidnappers have attended multiple Red Means No events. These are consensual non-consent orgies organized by Aella and an amazing team of (slightly) less online hedonists. The parties operate under well-defined norms. We have a standard set of activities on the “default consent” list, including protected vaginal sex, unprotected oral sex, spanking, and groping. Everything on the default consent list can be initiated without negotiation with attendees who have indicated they are in play with wristbands. Of course, everyone can opt out using a standard safe word: “red” or a triple tap. We have standard STI tests and rules for risk mitigation and disclosure.
These norms create great orgies, but they also act as ongoing social technology in the Extended Aella Universe slutcloud. When I have sex with a new person who I know from Red Means No, we tend to default to “Red Means No rules.” Instead of a long discussion about consent and sexual communication, men say something like “Red Means No rules, ok?” a few moments before tackling me to the bed, just the way I like it.
This common set of norms meant that my kidnapping experience was incredibly immersive. We did not start with an opening circle to discuss consent. No one whispered in my ear to check in if I was really ok, or began a scene by establishing a safeword. I knew as soon as the men began tackling me that we were operating under Red Means No rules. Without any explicit discussion, I felt completely safe and secure even with the one kidnapper who I never identified, and suspect that I don’t know. I knew that my partner would have ensured that the unknown kidnapper was familiar with the rules, and with my own preferences, which are slightly less restrictive than the default consent list. Similarly, I knew everyone would be following the same STI testing and disclosure rules. This context is one reason I knew that the man who put his finger in my ass must be my husband. Ass play is not on the Red Means No default consent list, nor on my personal expanded list, but it is on my husband consent list.
This approach to negotiation may seem risky, especially to members of mainstream kink communities, who tend to follow more orthodox consent norms. I do think it carries more risk than, for example, explicitly negotiating every aspect of a kidnapping fantasy beforehand. That is a risk that I personally was willing to take on. I am thankful that the kidnappers were also willing and able to trust me enough for this approach to work. They trusted me to understand my own desires and boundaries, and be able to express them even in a high-intensity situation. They trusted me to give them the benefit of the doubt if any boundary violations or harms had occurred. They trusted me to cheerfully explain the situation to law enforcement or concerned citizens if we were intercepted. (Imagine you’re a Berkeley police officer. You direct a car to pull over, notice something suspicious in the back seat, and then see a small naked woman emerge from a duffel bag, smiling. I thought about this during the car ride. My plan was to say something like “I am so sorry to cause concern. I’m just a sex weirdo with very nice men in my life. And I was buckled in.”)
Caring relationships
Being tackled, blindfolded, gagged, and stuffed into a duffel bag before being violently fucked for multiple hours is an intense experience. However, the emotional context was such that I felt loved, cherished, and cared for throughout the evening. Some of this was due to specific actions the kidnappers took, such as cuddling me on the ride over and offering me my favorite beverages. Largely, though, it was because I knew my kidnappers were men who would take care of me. I didn’t use my safeword or safe gesture at all. However, I knew that if I had, the scary kidnappers would have cradled me gently in their arms and fed me chocolate.
Intense sexual experiences can also trigger feelings of shame and degradation. Sometimes those are fun emotions, but not always. I have experienced unfun shame when I have intense sexual experiences with men who don’t love or care for me, or worse, think my desires or actions make me unworthy of love. I am currently lucky enough to know that my husband knows exactly who I am, including every detail of my slut ways, and loves me very much. All the men who tied me up, hit me, and filled my orifices with a variety of objects also respect me and have genuine affection for me. (This might not be the case for Mystery Man, because I don’t think I know him. But I suspect he was charmed.)
From time to time, the men who organize gangbang fantasies send women my way for advice or questions about my experience. One of my strongest recommendations is to have a plan for feeling cared for beyond the initial few hours of aftercare. Who will sleep with you the night after? Who will cuddle you and gently tease you as you detangle your hair the next morning?
I don’t want to gatekeep, but I think that intense sexual experiences are emotionally safest for women who also have a husband, boyfriend, or other committed partner. This is especially true because many women are sensitive to the message that being a huge slut will make them undesirable for serious partnership. The easiest way to not worry about this is to already be in a serious relationship.
Also, it’s incredibly romantic for partners to arrange wild sexual experiences for you.
Want to bring a little more kidnapping to your life?
I’d like to reiterate that I do not recommend kidnapping people. It is highly unethical and illegal if done nonconsensually, and high-risk (and still possibly illegal) if done consensually. In particular, the surprise takedown style is incredibly high risk and could go wrong in many many ways.
With that said, kidnapping and the associated emotions (fear, helplessness, surprise) can be fun to play with in a sexual context. I have a few ideas for lower-stakes ways to bring a little kidnapping energy into your bedroom. Please thoroughly discuss these with your partner before attempting.
Use a blindfold and possibly earplugs for sensory deprivation
Use a gag to create a sensation of helplessness (you need to establish safe gestures to use in place of a safeword if you won’t be able to speak)
Put your girlfriend in a duffel bag (ensure she can breathe) and carry her around the house
Dirty talk your way through a kidnapping scenario while fucking your partner or using a vibrator
Read kidnapping erotica out loud to your partner
Bind your partner to the bed (I like velcro bondage cuffs for this). You can threaten to keep them there forever or pretend to leave the room depending on what seems hot to you both (do not actually leave people alone if tied up and have a plan for quickly releasing bondage such as shears)
Wear a ski mask during sex
The goal of kidnapping play, like most roleplay, isn’t a highly realistic simulation of a crime. The point (at least from my perspective) is to play with fear, vulnerability, and powerlessness, and to enjoy the arousal and intimacy that can come from this exploration. Have fun, and remember to hydrate your captive!
Questions about my kidnapping? Other ideas for low-key kidnapping vibes? Please share them in the comments or join the discussion on our Discord.
While I read this I’m struck by something. The slutcloud and overlapping sub-groups have created a caring high trust community of people with similar values. A community in which you can have the confidence to let your guard down and trust the people around you, even when you have no control and you’re not entirely sure who they are.
love this!
Velcro bondage cuffs are a game changer imo!
Don't want to end up in a Gerald's Games situation..