Ask the sluts
Part 1 in a series where we answer your burning questions about sluthood, love, and more
Question: Do you have any limits when it comes to sex? Like most women aren’t into anal, fisting, double penetration, cutting and blood play. That’s a limitation for them. So how are your boundaries set, if you have any?
Chesed: When I was in high school I had a series of confusing and frustrating early sexual experiences. I wanted to have sex. I fantasized about sex during class. I read a ton of smutty material from fanfic to highbrow erotica (also in class). I masturbated frequently (not in class). And yet, when I found myself alone with someone in a sexy situation, I often had a freeze response. I was usually enthusiastically participatory when it came to making out and a bit of groping, but when genitalia started to get involved I sometimes got squeamish. Something in my stomach would tighten. I would feel suddenly nauseous or full of rage. It was unpredictable. One day I would be making out with a cute blue-haired boy, confidently stroking his dick through his jeans. The next, I was sitting on his lap in the hot tub in his parents’ yard, and the feeling of his dick swelling under me provoked something like claustrophobia. I flirted with a boy for weeks and talked about giving him a blowjob at summer camp, but when I actually arrived I was filled with disgust and avoided eye contact with him all week. The process of having sexual intercourse for the first time took two years from first attempt to fruition because I kept setting up perfect situations and then suddenly kicking a guy out of my house or running out of the car or simply going perfectly still such that the nice liberal boy on top of me pulled back, asking “are you sure?”
I bring this all up because I think it helps to illustrate that, at least for me, neither my sexual desire nor my sexual limits are freely accessible to my conscious mind. I have spent the last fifteen years or so exploring my sexuality, and I’ve thankfully found out more about what turns me on and what makes me want to freeze and run away. I have been helped by a variety of patient partners, chief among them my husband. My first boyfriend spanked me repeatedly until I would share some of my sexual fantasies with him. My husband (next boyfriend) and I went through a Mojo Upgrade exercise where we each answered a questionnaire about our sexual interests and the website showed us only compatible results. One of my current partners questions me relentlessly about my sexual likes and dislikes (in person and via Google form) and keeps detailed notes.
There are a few limits which are easy for me to set based on practical concerns (like STI risk, pregnancy risk, safety) or because they provoke a clear “fuck yes!” or “fuck no!” response. I don’t do cutting, blood, urine or poop. I don't vomit on purpose (but vomit eventually happens if you, like me, are a lady who primarily comes during facefucking). Then there are more complicated cases - activities which might appeal but also repel, or activities which neither appeal nor repel but partners find appealing. I find anal sex to be uncomfortable and dislike the prep work required, but I see the psychological appeal. I think Chesed-on-top during sexual intercourse is basically an atrocity, but every now and then my partners like to make me do atrocities for brief periods. I haven’t tried fisting, but I’m curious about it as birth prep. There are other boundaries that are more dependent on circumstance or partner. For example, I find choking, breath restriction, and face slapping hot but high risk. The Red Means No default consent list is a pretty good approximation of my limits with new partners. I wrote a “How to have sex with me” document, but I have mixed feelings about it. The exercise was interesting, but I think it portrays my sexuality as more static and less context dependent than it is in reality.
The truth is that what I want and don’t want during sex varies based on my partner, my hormones, my mood, the physical and emotional context and probably other factors I’m not even aware of. I might be more variable and less aware of my internal state than most women, but I don’t think I am incredibly unusual. A common way to deal with the complexity of sexual desire and limits is monogamy. I don’t do that, but I am in a place where I mostly have sex with a few trusted partners who deeply care for me. I occasionally have sex with a broader group of people in the context of group sex or orgies, but this is still a small, well-curated and trusted community. I think there are probably a variety of strategies for enjoying sex while feeling safe and secure, from limiting sex to the context of a monogamous marriage to having a QR code for your sex doc tattooed on your ass. For me, the sweet spot is sex within a context of trust and care.
Pandora: Overall, I have similar limits to Chesed. I tend to be happy to try things that have no sexual interest to me, so long as I don’t have a disgust or (non-sexy) fear reaction. I do have a disgust reaction when it comes to cutting, blood play, urine, and scat play. I have never been interested in fisting, but if it was a partner’s thing, I’d want to try it. I am curious about anal and DP primarily because I have partners who are very into this. But I tend to be surrounded by rather large dicks that are a bit beyond my natural capacity. I’ve attempted anal but it generally requires a lot of effort and patience relative to the reward. Therefore, I am mainly drawn to it as part of an extended training scenario with a trusted partner, but not as an everyday activity. I haven’t attempted DP but this seems like it could be really hot with the right partners. I don’t have much interest at this time in casual anal, so I would have a boundary against anal at sex parties, for example.
My boundaries are set iteratively, and in the context of each relationship and situation. I may have slightly different boundaries with different partners or in different environments, depending on factors like STI risk, pregnancy risk, trust levels, experience levels, and what the space supports. For example, I may use barriers with some partners, but not with others. I may want my trusted partners to choke me, but I may ask casual partners not to. I may refuse to participate in DDlg dynamics at certain sex parties, even if I enjoy that in other contexts. In this sense, my boundaries are often about my own comfort but they may also extend to include the comfort of my other partners or the other people at an event.
I have set my boundaries based on a mixture of trial and error and reflection. Some things I don’t really need to try out to know that I’m actively uninterested. But when there’s a gray zone, I am generally happy to experiment to learn more about what I like and don’t like. I tend to be happiest with partners who know where boundaries are pushable vs where they are solid (hard limits). Sometimes a boundary is related to physical or psychological comfort, but with the right partner, expanding that boundary could be an excellent bonding opportunity. And then there are other hard limits where pushing the boundary would be unwelcome and not erotic whatsoever. It’s important to communicate nuances clearly to define the difference.
My current sex doc tangentially covers some of my boundaries, but frames them as “dislikes”. I may want to update this in the future to better capture some of the nuances described here, but I’m also a bit reluctant to rely on the sex doc when it comes to boundaries, since I do have some bespoke boundaries across different partners and situations. Also, my dislikes do not necessarily neatly map to boundaries. I dislike when partners spit in my mouth, but I do not have a boundary against it and would have no need to safeword if it happens.
On the topic of dislikes, there’s also some areas that I don’t tend to frame as “boundaries” but that nonetheless seem reasonable to cover here as well. I don’t really need a boundary against “Pandora takes the dominant role” or “Pandora initiates sex” because I can pretty much just choose not to do that until I feel comfortable. If I had a partner who was pressuring me into doing those things prematurely, I’d set a boundary against it.
As a kinky poly person, boundaries around specific sex acts are only part of the equation. Some of my boundaries are sexual, some are relational, and some are both. For example, I have a boundary against power dynamics extending outside of sex, which is primarily about maintaining relationship balance. I also have a boundary against being told who I can or cannot have sex with, which is mainly about preserving my autonomy.
One final key aspect of boundaries, is what happens if a boundary is violated? A boundary violation would probably look like me safewording and reminding my partner of the boundary. I’d expect my partner to apologize for and explain the mistake and make a plan for it to not happen again. After that repair, we’d probably just move on. I simply don’t think I’m dating anyone who is careless or actively ignores boundaries. So I don’t really need to establish consequences for rare mistakes. I tend to expect the best intentions of my partners and understand that an honest mistake may occasionally happen. If I noticed someone was repeatedly disrespecting my boundaries, they wouldn’t be allowed to stick around very long. Also, if someone flagrantly violated a critical boundary or consent norm, I might just end the relationship there (I’ve had to do this once in the past).
Question: So, you’re not a Nymphomaniac, then why are you poly? I guess your husband is enough for you. I’m sorry but, what is the point of being poly then?
Chesed: I used to say that I wasn’t poly, mostly because I had met many representatives of the Polyamorous Community via social dance who I found unappealing, preachy, and annoying. Of course, there are many unappealing, preachy, and annoying monogamous people in the world, but I still didn’t want to associate myself with capital-P Polyamory. I’ve also always preferred activity versus identity-based labels (e.g., I usually describe myself as “someone who has sex with men and women and whoever else” vs “bisexual”). However, I am unquestionably nonmonogamous.
My husband and I basically defaulted to nonmonogamy. When we first hooked up and then started dating, we were also having sex with other people. As our relationship evolved, our discussions about what we meant to each other were focused on our future goals and the life we would build together (i.e. I told him I wanted marriage and children and if he ever didn’t want that with me he was honor-bound to tell me or the ghost of my fertility would haunt him forever). We talked about STI risk and our mutual conditions for not using condoms, but we didn’t talk about not seeing other people. The first summer that we dated, he and his roommates hosted a party at the run-down Berkeley apartment we would later share. One of the guests was a lanky and poetic engineering student who I had dated briefly (and fallen deeply and chastely in love with) years before as a high school freshman. Feeling grown-up and sexually confident, I flirted with him, salsa danced with him in the kitchen, and ended up straddling him, kissing on the steps outside of the apartment. When we went back inside to join the party, slightly rumpled, I felt sheepish for a moment. I reunited with my boyfriend (current husband) and confessed that I had made out with my former crush. “Oh, cool,” he replied, “I hooked up with B again, it was really fun.”
We never became sexually exclusive and we still host parties where we flirt with other people. As a married couple with busy schedules and a shared bedroom, we do more planning now. I try to run my proposed date timing by him and dedicate at least 2 evenings a week for him. We prioritize each other if conflicts come up. Pandora has described our style as “hierarchical kitchen table poly,” where “hierarchical” refers to the fact that my husband and I are pairbonded and prioritize each other and “kitchen table” refers to the fact that we all hang out.
To more directly answer the question, the reason I’m nonmonogamous is not primarily to avoid being a sex pest to my husband (although I do have a high libido). I’m also not nonmonogamous because I believe it’s enlightened or the best way to be or anything like that. I’m nonmonogamous because it’s fun. I like to make friends and have sexuality be an option for how we connect. I like going on dates. I like feeling a hand on the small of my back or my ass at a party and not immediately knowing which man it is, but knowing it is someone who cares for me. Neither my husband nor I have a lot of sexual jealousy. I would not do polyamory if it caused a lot of drama or discontent. I would not recommend polyamory or “opening the relationship” if one person in the pairing needs to be convinced.
Pandora: I am poly because I can be! And because I am good at it. And because I want to be. I wrote a whole section on this in my date me doc, which I’ll copy here:
I’ve been primarily ENM (ethically non-monogamous) since age 21. Having tried both monogamy and non-monogamy I’m pretty confident my happiness is most supported by practicing kitchen table polyamory with one primary partner. Currently, I think it’s likely that a hierarchical poly relationship with one primary partner is the type of structure I would most like to pursue.
I’d like to build a deep long-term relationship with my partner, where we can be deeply involved in each other’s lives.
Time, energy, emotional bandwidth are all very real constraints. I want to preserve a lot of these for a main partner and want the same in return.
I don’t mind if you have additional partners or not, so long as we can make our relationship central to both our lives, and you support my having other relationships.
It is non-negotiable that I have the ability to maintain other relationships. I have existing secondary relationships that are important and long term in my life.
Why am I poly? Several reasons:
I get to meet amazing and interesting people by dating other poly/ENM people, and often we share similar values and outlooks (such as high openness). I like meeting and getting to know people one on one. Dating is fun for me.
I value my independence and not being controlled. I value giving others I care about freedom.
I value forming relationships that are not contingent on fulfilling one specific role, or fitting in one specific box. I often want to remain friends with or somehow connected to exes.
I like the growth and pushing personal edges required by managing poly relationships.
I like knowing and being reminded that my partners have other options but are choosing me. Feeling freely chosen and freely loved is important to me.
Polyamory is more consistent with my definition of love and belief that love is abundant.
Question: Do you believe in lifelong love? Either spending your life with someone or circling around someone for your whole life?
Chesed: I got married with the explicit agreement that my husband can divorce me if and only if he is contemplating murder as the alternative. So yes, I believe in (and have bet on) lifelong love. I believe love requires cultivation to last a lifetime, or even to last beyond the few months of new relationship energy. Shared experiences strengthen existing bonds, so in a sense time and life are on your side - but you also have to put in some effort. Luckily, the effort often looks like having sex, snuggling, talking about your feelings, cooking together, and other favorite things! And having more sex. I cannot emphasize enough how well having sex works to reset my mood and connection with my husband.
Pandora: Yes, I’m big into romantic, lifelong love. I’ve seen this in my parents, and long term compatibility is something that I’ve considered heavily in my search for a primary partner. I think it is beautiful when you find this. That said, I don’t think duration is the most salient measure of relational success. There are circumstances under which a breakup or divorce is absolutely the right call. One thing I like about poly relationships is the amount of flexibility in what a lifelong relationship might look like. You might have different variations on your relationship over time, but still hold a common thread.
Question: How do we participate with you in those gangbangs?
Chesed: You can apply to the Red Means No network. Participation in gangbangs not guaranteed!
Got questions? Please email askthesluts@gmail.com. Thanks!
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